husband trouble

This is hard for me to talk about and even post on here, but I am at the end of my rope. I have never told anyone about this. Most of you seem to be younger and more newlywed than I am but maybe you can still help me. I just can't seem to get my husband happy and motivated about anything. It's hard to explain. He is willing to work hard to earn money for our family but that's about it. We moved up here leaving behind everything that my kids know and all my family. We have no one up here for support. I have tried and tried to support him on his jobs, schooling, and life in general but he just doesn't have the care and respect for me and his family that I feel he should. I thought when we were living in Hurricane that our marriage troubles were just the result of him working so much and not being happy in his jobs. I was very supportive of moving and him returning to school hoping that would make him happy and in a sense help fix our marriage woes. Things have just gotten worse. He is not motivated with school anymore and doesn't like his full-time job. He likes his part time job but doesn't make enough money there to go full time and support the family. I feel like a single mom of five children with no support whatsosever. I spent most of this morning crying and wanting to leave but I didn't want to mess up my kids activities. If it wasn't for their birthday's and dance performances I probably would have been on my way to my parent's right now. I'm not sure I could do that either because everybody in my family thinks I have the perfect husband because he works hard so I can stay home with the kids. Sometimes you need more than money, you need love, caring and respect. Any advice?

Hey lemgirl,

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time with this. It sounds like you are in a really difficult situation. Have you tried discussing this with him and is he willing to listen? Maybe he is depressed? I wish I had some great advice for you. Hang in there, I hope things get better.

I have discussed with him some things that do upset me and that he needs to respect my feelings more. He knows that I don't fully trust him anymore but he doesn't know completely why and until about six months ago I didn't know why either. My feelings and possibly his all come from an event from four and half years ago. I was pregnant with our third child, our first boy. Right after Christmas of that year we found out that he had some birth defects and there was a good chance he wouldn't make it and if he did he would need many surgeries. During that time I only got to break down and cry once. My husband told me more than once that I was the strong one and I couldn't cry because he didn't want to get more upset. I had to constantly be the positive one and encourage him and get him through the ordeal when all I wanted was a shoulder to cry on. My son was born two months early and he was too small to handle any surgeries so we decided instead of losing him during a surgery we were just going to let him go. After he passed, my husband would say things like it's not him anymore we don't need to see the body and would gently push me out of the rooms. He did this at the hospital and the funeral home. I tried to fight with him a little bit about my feelings but he prevailed and again his feelings were more important than mine. He questioned my decisions about the funeral and the morning of the funeral I specifally told him that today was for me and him and I didn't care who else was there. I needed him by my side, not off ignoring me and being with his friends. Of course, he didn't honor my request. During the service it was my mom trying to hold my hand and rubbing my back, not my husband and after he was off talking to people and left me in a corner. I had a c-section to have the baby and it was less than a week after, so not only did I need his emotionaly support but I needed his help with my physical needs as well. At the time, I never thought about my feelings or how it would effect our future together. Eventually, every little thing that I felt he did to disregard my feelings I would get mad at him not knowing this was why. Somehow I had an epiphany about it and now I don't know how to tell him without him getting upset or angry. He never talks about our son and now that we have moved we can't go to his grave anymore. I have since had three more children and I feel like I just go through the motions of life. I don't enjoy my kids the way I should. I do cry a lot more than ever, but not in front of him. I need my feelings back and to matter to him so I can move on and enjoy my marriage, my kids, and just life. My oldest is seven and a half and I feel like I just missed out on those few years. How do I let go of my fears of hurting him and have this discussion with him? I know it's something I need to do but I don't know if I can.

Continue to be open with him about how you feel, and would like to be treated. My guess is he is still suffering emotionally from the loss of your son. Some marriage counseling might be good for you. After Chloe was born I went through hsome ppd, only instead of not feeling like a good mother I pulled my girls in close to me and shut out my husband. I got some counseling and was able to see when I was hitting a low and keep myself from falling all the way. Good luck and stay strong. If you ever want to get together, let me know!

Lemgirl, I'm so sorry. I second the idea of counseling. I know some people are more open to counseling than others, but it has really helped some of my close friends work through some things. If your husband isn't open to marriage counseling, maybe some individual counseling for you would still help.

I agree. I think counseling would do wonders for you, even indivdual. I took some counseling a few years ago and it helped me deal with a lot of things my therapist didn't even really offer many suggestions. If I asked she would, but mostly she just listened to me, which is really what I needed. If you feel like you can't talk to your husband maybe it would be helpful to talk it out with someone else first? Just talking to someone who you know you can confide in might help you sort out your feelings and what you want to say to your husband.

If you're a little wary about trying counseling maybe you could just write your husband a letter? That way you can put down how you feel but go through it to make sure you say it in a way that won't make him angry? He can't fix what he doesn't know is broken.

Anyway I hope that helps and I hope things work out for you. Good Luck!

Thanks for the advice, I think I will try a letter before I try counseling. I think if I can just really sit and talk than we could easily work things out. He just needs to know what I'm thinking and where I'm coming from. It really has helped just writing it down here and getting little bits of advice. I tried another marriage advice website and all I got there was get divorced and very rude people being very judgementaly. I really appreciate that I've gotten some good advice from some compassionate people. Thank you, it means so much to me to have people listen and care. I'll let you all know how it goes.

I am new to this site and just read your post. I was wondering how you and your marriage is doing? E-mail me: skaug0920@msn.com
Amy